


hydrophobia

by 101places



Series: trauma days [6]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drowning, F/M, FitzSimmons Seychelles Holiday, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jemma Simmons Has PTSD, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Season/Series 02, Recovery, SHIELD Academy, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-06 06:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20287228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101places/pseuds/101places
Summary: Ever since she was a child, Jemma Simmons felt at peace in the water. But then, suddenly, one day, she didn’t.( AKA : how simmons relationship with water develops over her life )





	hydrophobia

**Author's Note:**

> content warnings for: drowning, panic attacks, vaguely implied potential suicide attempt, briefly mentioned dissociation. proceed with caution if you need to!
> 
> and we're back to the trauma fic
> 
> ill die for you if you leave comments/kudos! i hope you enjoy!

People moved quickly and shouted loudly, and there was the most overwhelming scent in the air. With these overpowering sensations around her, Jemma was struggling to understand what was supposed to be so exciting about this strange place.

Though she was young, Jemma had learnt that there were things that grown-ups found exciting that she did not- and the same vice versa. She considered that this may be one of those things, but the fact that her sister seemed to be just as excited as their parents brought some doubt to that theory.

Her mother took her hand and began to lead her towards a series of steps, and Jemma’s little face contorted into a frown when she saw them dropping down into a large pool of water.

It took some time, but eventually her mother was able to coax her into the water. Jemma stood there on the first step, the water already up to her knees, with her frown still fixed into place. She couldn’t decide whether or not she liked the sensation of the cool water lapping at her legs.

With further encouragement, Jemma proceeded further into the water, until eventually she was near-fully submerged, the water wings strapped around her arms being the only things keeping her afloat. As she spent more time in the water, she came to the conclusion that it was really rather lovely, and by the time it came to leave, she found that she really did not want to.

.

Years passed, and acclimatising to the water turned into playing in the pool, which in turn turned into professional swimming lessons, then swim club, then swimming competitions.

Jemma’s passion, she had discovered, was in the sciences, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t have hobbies. Swimming was an excellent way to switch her mind off when she hit a problem that she couldn’t yet solve. She spent most of her time training her mind, but she found that training her body in the water was also rather exhilarating.

Something that Jemma appreciated about swimming competitions, more than anything else, was the fact that she almost never placed first.

She spent her life being the genius child, miles ahead of her peers. Everyone who surrounded her on a day to day basis was twice her age, and she still manage to out-match them. She was well aware that she was abnormal, and while she had never minded being different, she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be a normal child.

Swimming gave her something like an answer to that wondering.

.

At the Academy, it wasn’t possible to find Fitz without Simmons, or Simmons without Fitz. They were a joint unit, only separating for the few classes they didn’t share and to sleep- so when Simmons hit a wall with her research and decided to take a swim to refresh her mind, it was only natural that she drag Fitz along with her.

Unlike Simmons, Fitz didn’t take to the water. He knew how to swim, of course, but everything about the pool seemed to make him uncomfortable, if the way he tensed and crossed his arms while standing at the poolside was anything to go off.

“There’s no need to feel self-conscious, Fitz!” Simmons called out, already in the water, kicking her legs back and forth to keep herself afloat. “It’s late, no one else is going to come by!”

Fitz cautiously walked over to the edge of the pool, lowering himself so he was sitting with his feet dangling in. “I’m not self-conscious.”

Simmons swam over to him, leaning on the side of the pool and brushing her wet hair out of her face. “Then I don’t see what the problem is! Come and swim with me!”

“I don’t particularly enjoy swimming.” Fitz said with a shrug.

Simmons looked offended. “How can you not enjoy swimming?”

“What’s there to enjoy about it? Getting undressed and dunking yourself in water doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time. I don’t understand what you-”

Before Fitz could finish his complaints, Simmons had reached out and grabbed his legs, intending on just giving him a gentle tug but underestimating how securely Fitz was sat on the poolside. Fitz hit the water with a loud splash, sending a wave up that hit Simmons in the face, though she didn’t seem to particularly mind if the way that she breathlessly laughed was anything to go by.

When Fitz finally burst to the surface his normally curly hair stuck to his head, and his over-exaggeratedly irritated expression only made Simmons laugh more.

“Not funny, Simmons!” Fitz snapped, “I could’ve- could’ve drowned!”

Simmons tried to calm her laughter. “I’m- I’m sorry, Fitz! I wasn’t trying to dunk you!”

Fitz gave her a look. “ _ Really _ ?”

“Yes!”

Fitz looked away, and when he finally looked up at Simmons again there was a glint in his eyes. Without any further warning he started forwards, trying to grab Simmons and dunk her in retaliation.

Simmons sped away with a yelp as soon as she realised what was happening, and before long Fitz’s annoyance had given way to his competitive spirit. The pair stayed in the water for hours, their laughter being heard long into the night.

.

Ever since she was a child, Jemma Simmons had felt at peace in the water. She loved kicking off from the poolside, pushing herself forwards as fast as she could. She loved the feeling of her body slicing through the water. She loved holding her breath and sinking deep down, letting the sounds of real life fade away into nothing.

But then, suddenly, one day, she didn’t.

Staring out of the pod into the ocean beyond, Simmons felt something that she had never felt in the water before. Fear.

Death was something that she had given thought in the past. After contracting the chitauri virus, she had known that she could die. The days and nights following that incident it had been difficult to get the thought out of her mind. She didn’t know what happened after death, but while she was always fuelled by curiosity and a desire to uncover all of life’s great mysteries, this was one that she didn’t want to be answered. Not yet. Not like this.

She tried to bury her fears away, moreso for Fitz than for herself, and let herself speak about life and death as the simple facts of nature that they were. For a small time, she even managed to lull herself into something not dissimilar to calm.

But then Fitz was speaking of his plan, and before she had enough time to process what was happening, he had slammed on that button and water came rushing in.

Water, that had always been her salvation. That had made her feel calm. That helped her to sort through her thoughts. That made her feel normal. Suddenly, it was the most frightening thing in the world.

Still, she managed to take the breath that he had sacrificed to her. She managed to grab ahold of his shirt tightly, and then, she managed to swim.

She didn’t let herself think of how impossibly deep in the ocean they were, or of how still and heavy Fitz’s body was in her hand, or of the fact that she had no plan for when she reached the surface.

She just swam upwards, cutting through the water as if it was her own panicked thoughts, just focusing on the light at the end.

.

For nine days, Simmons stayed sat by Fitz’s bedside, refusing to leave for any reason. Then he woke, and the doctors had pushed her aside, and she suddenly found herself with nothing to do.

So she slowly made the trek to her new bunk, stripped off her clothes, and turned the shower on.

She stepped underneath the warm running water and shut her eyes, enjoying the sensation for a few moments.

Then she wasn’t in the shower anymore.

She was in the bottom of the ocean, in a pod, with a cascade of water rushing in. Her lungs burned as she couldn’t allow them to breathe, and her best friend was likely dying in her arms.

By the time she returned to the shower she was out of the stream of water, leaning heavily against the wall at the far corner of the shower, desperately gasping for breath.

With shaky hands, she reached out and turned the water off.

.

As the weeks passed, Simmons forced herself to get used to the sensation of water against her skin. Although it still caused an automatic reaction of panic, she was slowly beginning to become used to it. The panic still came, but it was as if she was becoming numb to it- instead of becoming a full blown panic attack, she simply felt as though her body and emotions did not belong to her for a little while. This wasn’t ideal, but she found it far preferable to the other option.

Still, while showers weren’t too troublesome now, she was left with another problem. Swimming.

She couldn’t remain a field agent if she couldn’t handle the water. It would become necessary for her to swim, eventually- it was ridiculous that this was even an issue in the first place. She was a strong swimmer, she had been her whole life. One bad experience shouldn’t be controlling her to this extent.

So she began to train herself.

Not too far from the playground was a lake. It was in the middle of a forest that few people ever came to, and the water was perfectly safe for swimming. A few times a week, Simmons began to trekk out there, throwing herself into the water, intending to continue until, one day, it didn’t bring about a panic attack.

The method worked for her, and she was satisfied with it. She took precautions, and there was no danger.

Until there was.

The day had been difficult. Simmons was becoming acutely aware of how damaging her presence was to Fitz, and her frustration at not being able to do anything to help anyone was growing. She felt as if she had utterly lost control of her life- as if everything was being determined by forces that couldn’t be predicted, much less prepared for.

So when she reached the lake she didn’t wade in at the shallow end. She didn’t even gently lower herself into the deeper side. Instead, she took a running jump and dove into the deepest section, completely submerging herself in the water.

The panic set in instantly- the second that her body made contact with the water her fight-or-flight instincts were triggered. She couldn’t tell where she was or when she was, and she could’ve sworn that she could taste salt as she opened her mouth and desperately tried to take in a breath. 

The water burned at her throat as she breathed it in, and her movements became frantic as she tried to determine which direction was the surface.

Then, there was a pair of strong arms around her waist, and cold air hit her face as she was pulled to the surface. Before long she was back on dry land, simultaneously coughing up the water that she’d breathed and trying to drag some air into her lungs.

For a few moments she laid there, her body feeling completely void of energy. She felt as if she might just drop off there on the ground, not caring at all about the chill that was making her body tremble. But then a warm jacket was draped across her shoulders, and she remembered that she hadn’t pulled herself from the lake.

She tried to force her body to move to see who was there, but a gentle but firm hand pushed her back down.

“Get your energy back first.” Said the familiar voice of Trip.

Simmons groaned lightly. “You followed me.”

“You can thank me later.” Trip said easily, “And you can tell me what you were trying to do.”

Simmons understood what it looked like, throwing herself into the deep end and making no attempts to come back to the surface. She pulled his jacket around her body tighter. She stayed silent for a long while after that, just focusing on regaining her breath and energy. She only made a move when she felt she was able to, pulling herself into a sitting position, but ensuring that the jacket was still securely around her.

“I just wanted to swim.” She said, looking at the ground.

“I know swimming. That was drowning.”

“Yes, well,” Simmons idly drew patterns through the dirt, “I can’t be brilliant at everything.”

“You gonna tell me what that really was, or am I gonna have to guess?”

Simmons didn’t particularly want to explain what she was doing to anyone, but she could imagine what conclusions Trip would come to if she didn’t, and she didn’t want him to think that about her, even if there may have been a degree of truth to it.

“...When I was a kid, I used to swim all of the time. It was my second passion, after the sciences. I want it back.”

Trip didn’t reply immediately, and Simmons hesitantly looked over to him, looking away again quickly when she saw the genuine compassion in his eyes. For some reason, the sight of it made her stomach turn.

“Listen, I think that’s very brave of you, after everything that happened. But this isn’t the way to do it.”

Simmons rolled her eyes. “Yes, well, even ignoring my personal reasons, I can’t exactly work in the field with such a huge weakness to be exploited.”

“I said this isn’t the right way to do it. Doesn’t mean there isn’t a right way to do it.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“Let me help.” Trip offered. “And I won’t tell anyone about what you tried here.”

Simmons pressed her lips together. Really, she’d prefer to keep this to herself, and to keep working through things her way- but she’d also prefer for others to not become aware of what had just happened. Seeing that look in Trip’s eyes had been bad enough. She didn’t need to see it on the rest of her team.

“...Fine.”

.

As it turned out, flooding ( in a rather literal sense, for that matter ) was not the most effective way to minimise a phobia. In fact, after her drowning experience with Trip, Simmons had found that most of the progress she had made over the previous weeks had been undone. Systematic desensitisation, it seemed, was the more practical solution, even if it did seem to take far longer.

With Trip’s help, Simmons slowly re-acclimated herself to the water. She slowly retrained her mind and taught herself that there was no real danger waiting. It wasn’t perfect, but with Trip there to help her ground herself when her panic became too strong, or when flashbacks overtook her senses, she found that it was easier.

In time, she was even able to accompany the rest of the team to the lake. She kept to the shallows of the water to avoid Hunter’s over-excited splashing, as she still wasn’t particularly fine with water on her face, but enjoyed being able to feel the sensation of water on her legs.

As her team swam about and tried to pull each other under the water, Simmons managed to make eye contact with Trip, sending him a thankful smile, glad to have the option to feel included.

Then her gaze landed on the side of the lake not far from her, where Fitz was sat, fully clothed and a noticeable distance from the water. After a moment’s hesitation, she stood, shaking the water from her body, and made her way over to him.

“Hi.” She greeted quietly, sitting down beside him.

Fitz looked over at her, startled. “U-um-- Hi.”

Simmons fiddled with her hands for a few moments. “I didn’t like the water, either, at first. I- uh- I had to get help with it. Even the shower.”

Fitz’s startled expression remained, and Simmons worried that she was over-sharing. It was still so strange to not just instinctively know what Fitz was thinking.

“I just, um, I mean that… if you ever want help with it, you can ask. I… understand.”

After a few moments of no reaction, Fitz slowly nodded. “...Okay.”

Side by side, the two continued to watch their friends have fun in the water.

.

Simmons held onto Fitz’s hand so tightly that she was surprised that he didn’t complain, but despite knowing that her grip was probably at least causing him discomfort, she couldn’t bring herself to let go.

“We don’t have to do this, you know.” Fitz leaned in close and whispered, keeping his voice low so the tourists around them couldn’t hear. “We can just wait on the boat. Even coming this far is amazing, considering…”

Simmons shook her head. “No. I’ve got to do this.”

“No one would think any less of you if-”

“I would.” Simmons spoke forcefully, then continued quieter. “...If I don’t do this, then it feels like he won. Like he took something away from me. I want to finally be able to claim it back and move on with my life. He’s been dead for so many years- I don’t want him to keep haunting me like this.”

Fitz smiled gently at her. “Okay. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

When the boat came to a stand still, Simmons was the last to enter the water, aside from Fitz who followed right behind her. She spent some time just keeping herself afloat, making sure that she was as calm as could be, before she checked her breathing apparatus was correctly secured, and dunked her head under the water.

Panic set in as soon as she was surrounded by the ocean on all sides, but she shut her eyes and grounded herself in the moment, using techniques that she’d built up over the past years of combating her phobia, and when she opened her eyes again she felt calm.

Unlike when she had been thrown out of the plane with Fitz, the water was warm, and she wasn’t deep enough for darkness to cover her. Instead, sunlight shone through the water, causing beautiful arcs of light to bounce around her.

She swam further, unable to hold in a gasp as she caught sight of the marine life surrounding her.

As she spent more time in the water, she came to the conclusion that it was really rather lovely, and by the time it came to leave, she found that she really didn't want to.


End file.
